It’s been two years since I lost my father to cancer. Two years, four days, and a lifetime of heartache, to be precise.
I still remember the day we received the news of his stage IV lung cancer. It was as if time itself had frozen, trapping us in a nightmare we couldn’t wake from. The doctors started treatment immediately, but deep down, we all knew it was a losing battle. Dad fought bravely, but cancer ultimately claimed him.
The day he passed, I was in the city when my mom called from our hometown. Her voice, usually so strong, cracked with sorrow. “Penny… he’s gone.” I barely recall the frantic packing and the drive to Mom’s house. The hope that Dad would somehow walk through the door for one last hug was shattered.
The funeral was a blur of tears and heavy hearts. As the casket was lowered, it felt as though a part of me was being buried alongside him. Time might heal all wounds, but the pain of losing my father still feels fresh. The memories of him teaching me to ride a bike, slipping me extra ice cream scoops, and his proud smile at my graduation haunt me.
A woman standing near a grave | Source: freepik.com/freepik
Unable to cope with the constant reminders of him in our hometown, I threw myself into work, hoping to drown out the grief. Mom began visiting me, and while I was grateful for the company, guilt over my avoidance of our hometown gnawed at me. I knew I needed to confront the memories I had been running from.
Last week, Andrew and I drove back to my hometown. Each familiar landmark tightened the invisible grip around my chest. We stopped at the cemetery first. As I approached Dad’s grave, each step felt heavier, my knees nearly giving out as I traced his name on the cold stone, tears streaming down my face.
In the midst of my sorrow, Andrew’s gentle touch brought me back to reality. “Penny,” he said softly, “look over there.”
I followed his gaze and my heart stopped. A few yards away stood another headstone with my name: Penelope, forever in our hearts, accompanied by a photo of me as a little girl, grinning innocently. “WHAT THE HECK?” I gasped. It felt like a nightmare, but pinching myself confirmed it was real. A grave with my name on it—my grave.
Shaking, I called Mom. Her calm voice answered. “I didn’t think you’d ever come back to see it,” she said when I asked about the headstone. She explained that after Dad’s passing, her grief over losing both him and me became overwhelming. In her sorrow, she bought a plot next to Dad’s and had a headstone made for me, her way of coping.
The revelation left me stunned. I was alive and well, yet my mother had been mourning me. It took a moment for the full impact to hit. The visits, her constant worry, and attempts to control my life suddenly made sense.
Determined to get answers, I confronted Mom at her house. A small shrine with my photo, candles, and fresh flowers greeted me. “Mom, this has to stop,” I said. “Why did you pretend I was dead?”
She sighed and admitted that she couldn’t bear to be left alone, not after losing Dad. “I needed to keep you close, Penny. This was the only way I knew how.”
Her grief had transformed into something far more unsettling. I realized that her actions were more about control than mourning. I knew I had to act to ensure she received the help she needed and to protect my own well-being.
“Mom, this isn’t healthy,” I said firmly. “You need to see a professional.”
She hesitated, but I promised to find her a therapist and help her through this. “If it means being closer to you, I’ll do it,” she agreed.
A week later, I watched as the cemetery workers removed the headstone bearing my name. We dismantled the shrine in the living room, and preparations began for Mom to move closer to us.
The transition hasn’t been easy, but it feels like a step in the right direction. Dad’s memory remains a source of strength rather than pain. I’m grateful that my visit to his grave revealed the truth about my mother’s struggle. For the first time in years, it feels like we’re heading towards healing and a fresh start.
